Twenty Questions (give or take a few)
Title: Twenty Questions (give or take a few)
Word count: 516
Characters: Wilson, House
Rating: PG
Warnings: None
Spoilers: None
“It’s still April, isn’t it?” Wilson asked as he sat down on House’s sofa. He hadn’t bothered to take off his coat, scarf, or gloves.
“It’s a blustery day! Shouldn’t you be out enjoying it with Pooh and Piglet?”
“Am I Eeyore? Why am I Eeyore?” Gloves and scarf disappeared into the pockets of his coat.
“Did I say you were Eeyore? Maybe you’re Rabbit.”
“I don’t think I like where this is going.” He wiggled out of his coat without standing up.
“What’s wrong with Rabbit?”
“He’s prissy and controlling and he gets all worked up about things and starts waving his arms arou… oh.” Wilson lowered his arms and folded his hands in his lap. “Fine. I’m Rabbit. Who does that make you? You’re not Christopher Robin, no way.”
House stood and made his way into the kitchen, where the box of takeout sat on the counter. “I am A. A. Milne. Creator and controller of you fluff-filled playthings.” He put two plates and two bottles of beer and carried it back to the sofa. “I have a question for you.”
“I may or may not have the answer.”
“You can’t be buried in a Jewish cemetery if you’ve got tattoos, right?”
Wilson nodded and reached into the box. He started opening containers and examining the contents. “Something like that. With some exceptions, such as involuntary tattooing, or medically necessary ones, like after a mastectomy, you’re supposed to leave this world with the body you came with.”
“Except in the case of the foreskin.”
“Okay. Again? I’m not sure I like where this is going.”
“It’s okay to remove the foreskin.”
“Yes, it’s okay.” He started spooning food onto a plate. “It’s part of a religious ceremony. Anything removed for medical reasons is also okay.”
“Okay, then. Nosejobs. For or against?”
Wilson handed the plate to House. “Me, personally? Or are you asking me as a representative of ‘my people’?”
“Answer for the Jewish community as a whole. Wouldn’t a nose job be tampering with the body you were given?”
“It could be done for medical reasons. Improve breathing or help with clearing up speech problems or something.”
“That sounds like a weak argument to me. Boob jobs. Implants!”
“Personally, I’m all for them. Nice to look at… the good ones are soft…”
“But are they medically necessary?”
Wilson leaned his head back and looked up at the ceiling, contemplating the question. “Yes,” he said finally. “Mental health and well-being. Self-esteem improvement.”
“Your people can argue anything, can’t you.”
“My people invented the rules for Kosher and a way around them. No shrimp, unless it’s in Chinese food.” Wilson held up his chopsticks, illustrating the shrimp. “Is there a point to any of this, House?”
“Nope. It was just one of the great unanswered questions of the universe. I’ll sleep better tonight.”
Wilson opened the last carton of food and put it down immediately. “The real question of the universe is why do you continually order the Kung Pau from Fong’s when you know I hate it.”
“I think you just answered that.”